


Without You

by Angelic_Ascent



Category: Tales of Xillia
Genre: Angst, Angsty Schmoop, Comfort/Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-19
Updated: 2015-09-19
Packaged: 2018-04-21 11:31:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4827587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angelic_Ascent/pseuds/Angelic_Ascent
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I fear I'll never understand human love," she had said once. "It has so many rules and conditions."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Without You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Praeterire](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Praeterire/gifts).



The fractured dimension around Ludger, Elle, Jude, and Milla had not even wholly taken form before Ludger had grabbed Elle by the shoulders and pushed her head against him, desperately trying to ignore the sudden, weak feeling in his knees and the urge to cover his own eyes.

The Nia Khera that had appeared around them was perhaps one of the most horrific things Ludger had ever laid eyes upon; bodies were strewn about in every turn, pools of dried blood around them. It was silent, dead silent, not a single voice or footstep to be heard, and as if knowing that the town was now a graveyard bereft of life, even the wind was still.

“This is the past,” Jude said after painful moments of silence.

“Are you going to suggest that this is when Muzét killed all of the village elders?” Milla asked, a hand on her chin.

“Yeah. But something’s different,” Jude continued, walking over toward one of the bodies. As he approached it, he recoiled slightly, before crouching and giving it a cursory examination. “These have been here for… a while. I would say at least a week… maybe two.”

“That’s strange,” Milla said, walking over toward one of the bridges, her eyes glancing around for a sign of anything else. “It’s as if the survivors have left. What’s stopped the people of this Nia Khera from trying to go back to their normal life?”

“I don’t know… and it’s not like there’s anyone around to ask.” Jude stood back up, pausing in thought for a few moments. “Regardless, I think our catalyst must be whatever drove the people out of Nia Khera, and in that case, I think we should head toward the Hallowmont.” As Milla and Ludger both looked at him curiously, he continued, “If the one who caused all this is still Muzét, she could be the catalyst, and our best chances of finding her is probably at the Hallowmont. And if it’s not her, then we could still find some information there. Either way, I don’t think we’re going to get any closer by staying here.”

Milla nodded, her gaze moving to the path that led toward the Hallowmont. “I agree. We don’t have much information to go on, but logically speaking, that would be our best starting point.”

“Alright,” Ludger agreed, still holding Elle’s head close against himself. “Let’s hurry out of here.”

They made quick steps out of Nia Khera, each of them letting out steady exhales as the stench of death finally released them. Silence enveloped them, save for their footsteps -- though Milla, in the lead, was quick to note that the pair of steps behind her seemed to be getting further and further away.

She turned her head, and sure enough, Jude was slowing, his eyes on the ground. 

“Jude.” Milla stopped, turning to face him fully. “What’s wrong?”

Jude jerked to a stop, looking at her with a look of slight surprise -- though at this point, he thought, he shouldn’t be surprised by her ability to pick up whenever something was off with him. “Nothing’s wrong, it’s just… odd. Look.” He gestured at the path in front of them, pausing as both Milla and Ludger’s gaze followed his hand. “There’s no footprints.”

“So? No one really comes up this way, right?” Elle said, giving Jude a skeptical look.

“That’s true. But if this dimension is in the time frame we think it is, then there should be lots of footprints here… especially because it was raining. There should be mine, and… pretty much everyone else’s,” he finished, averting his eyes away from Milla’s.

“Could we be in a different time?” Ludger asked.

Milla shook her head. “I highly doubt that. The people we saw at Nia Khera were the same as those who died a year ago.” 

“Then… what if the reasons you guys didn’t come here this time if because one of you is the catalyst?” Elle muttered, clutching tightly at the straps of her backpack.

“Unfortunately, we can’t rule it out,” Milla said. “All we can do, though, is press onward.”

“Y-yeah… but…”

“Don’t worry, Elle,” Jude said, walking up to her and then crouching to be at her level. “The catalyst could be anything. Milla just means that we won’t gain anything by standing here and worrying about it. If we keep going, then we could very well find out there was nothing to worry about in the first place. Okay?”

Elle nodded, and Ludger squeezed her hand. Standing up, Jude looked over to Milla, who was giving him a soft, gentle smile. He returned it, quickly turning his gaze away as a light hue of pink flushed his cheeks.

Milla resumed their pace to the Hallowmont, and Jude was soon at her side. “Thank you,” she said quietly. “It seems I’m not very good at phrasing these things in a kinder way.”

Jude shook his head. “No, she’s just worried. You’re good at saying things, because you just… say them. It’s something I admire about you.” With the last statement, he cast his gaze off to the side, his face hot.

Milla almost giggled, but instead simply gave him a warm, loving smile. Jude was the only person who could always dissolve any worry she had. Where would she be without him, really?

“Besides,” Jude added, breaking Milla form her thoughts, “I’m only able to be positive like that since I really don’t think one of us is the catalyst.”

“What makes you so certain?”

“Well…” Jude’s gaze fell again, his voice becoming hesitant. “It’s just… if we didn’t come to the Hallowmont, then…” Milla looked over at him; he had visibly tensed, and his breaths came in a controlled, commanded pace; it was as if he was readying himself for some great bodily harm. “Then there must be some kind of big change that happened. And if Muzét is still around, then the only other thing I can think of is… well…” He paused, taking a deep breath. “I don’t think our group split up at all. I don’t think we… had a reason to.”

Milla turned his words over in her head for a moment. Normally, she would have said something about him beating around the bush, but this time she remained quiet. Was it truly that her death was that hard for him to bring up? Jude had been fine. Hadn’t he? After all, he had led everyone to the Hallowmont, to the Temporal Crossroads, he was the only one standing when the others had fallen to Maxwell. Why was he dancing around the subject now? 

That question was on her mind, but more pointedly, she found herself, for the first time, questioning Jude’s logic. If what he said was true, and she had lived in this dimension, wouldn’t that likely make her the catalyst? Her eyes glanced to Jude again. Was he so fixated on the possibility that he wasn’t thinking this through?

“Jude…” Milla started quietly. “But --”

“Do you two hear that?” Ludger’s voice suddenly cut in from behind them.

Milla and Jude froze, their ears acutely tuned to their surroundings, now with the footsteps up to Milla’s shrine shortly in front of them.

A woman’s voice echoed ahead of them. “No! I have to do this!” Though it was faint, it was easy to hear the distress in it.

Milla concentrated, trying to make out more of what she was saying, but it was too far away; it sounded familiar though, so familiar, if she could just hear her speak clearly again, normally, then --

Ludger spoke again, his voice hushed. “It sounds like --”

“Milla,” Jude finished, starting to sprint up the steps.

At once Milla felt overcome with an impending sense of dread, all of her insides suddenly feeling like they were lead. If Jude hadn’t dashed out of arm’s reach so quickly, she may very well have grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him back. While she had no idea exactly what was going on up there, she didn’t want Jude to see it, whatever it was, whatever was making her sound so panicked she couldn’t even recognize her voice.

But Jude had run off so quickly that all Milla could do was give chase, calling for him to wait.

Too soon, she arrived at the top, and as expected, there was a fractured version of herself. Though she didn’t seem at all concerned with the fact that another version of her had just run up the stairs; instead, her eyes were fixated on Jude. “Jude,” she said quietly, in disbelief, her voice nearly cracking. “I… I don’t understand.”

“Milla, what’s wrong? I -- we heard you, it sounded like you were in trouble, and --”

“Well isn’t this a surprise,” Sylph said, taking form next to the fractured Milla. “Looks like you don’t need to go to the spirit realm, Milla.”

The fractured Milla took a step forward, her eyes glancing to her prime self and Ludger for only a moment before going back to Jude. “Jude, is that… really you?” She reached her hand out a bit, before quickly taking it back -- as if she had touched some kind of invisible wall of doubt.

A part of Jude wanted to tell her yes, wanted to say whatever necessary to assuage her. Her voice had almost sounded frail, scared. Under her eyes sat dark rings, and her skin was pale, her face nearly white. Jude may not have been exactly sure what was going on, but seeing Milla like this -- even if it was not his Milla -- it twisted his stomach, it made his heart feel like it was sinking into the deepest depths of sadness.

But he could not lie to her.

“That’s impossible,” said Efreet, taking form next to Sylph. 

The fractured Milla looked from Jude, to Efreet, and then back again. “But…”

Milla took a step toward her fractured self. “Ludger, can you confirm if this is our catalyst?” She gripped the handle of her sword tight, tight enough to feel every single crevice digging into her hand. Her adrenaline was already rushing as she tried to keep her breathing in a controlled rhythm, tried to drown out the sound of her heart pounding. It was clear to her now what was going on, and with each passing second it felt almost as if the world was caving in around her. 

Ludger stepped forward, and for a brief instant a flash of black cast over the fractured Milla.

In the next instant Milla had drawn her sword and had taken a jump and a thrust at her fractured self.

“Milla, wait!” Jude called, starting toward them. He had to ask, he had to know -- what had happened here? Whatever could have made Milla like this, he had to know, so that he could make sure it never, ever came close to happening in their own dimension. But more than that, Milla had leapt forward without even waiting to give herself a proper opening -- it was reckless, even for her, and if anything happened to her --

The fractured Milla was quick enough to block the attack, her sword held in front of her. Instead of launching a counter strike, she jumped back, her free hand moving in a practiced pattern in front of her. In the next moment, Undine and Gnome had joined at her side. “There’s no time. Take me to the spirit realm.”

“Listen, like we told you,” Sylph said, putting his hands on his hips, “we can’t just do that! And it doesn’t matter anymore. It’s too late.”

“Of course it _matters!”_

Jude froze; hearing Milla talk like that, _snap_ like that, at _the Four,_ it was so surreal that Jude felt like even the fact that this was a fractured dimension was not reason enough. More than that, though, it only made his chest constrict further, his heart plummet a little faster -- he had to know, he had to know what had made things like this, he had to make sure it never, ever happened.

It seemed to have the opposite effect on Milla, who had lunged at her fractured self with nearly twice the speed as before. This time, she was successful, the metal of the blades resounding with a defining clang as the other Milla’s sword flew from her hand.

“Ludger, do it,” Milla said quickly. Anything, anything for this to be over now. Anything to get Jude to stop seeing this.

Jude took a swift step forward. “Ludger, wait!” Despite the fact that Milla was nearly glaring at him, he hurriedly continued. “Why do you need to go to the spirit realm? I don’t understand.”

The fractured Milla turned her eyes away, as if she couldn’t look at Jude any longer, as if it would cause her physical pain. She reached for her sword, only to be cut off by the blade of her prime self.

Milla only spared a split second glance away. “Ludger!”

This time, Ludger did not wait: with his Chromatus already activated, it was a few swift steps before he was in front of the fractured Milla -- yet even if it was for only one second, he hesitated.

“I have to retrieve Jude’s soul! 

The spear plunged into her without resistance. Her body shook once and Jude took a step forward, and started a second before his Milla held her arm out in front.

The fractured Milla looked up slowly, her lips curving into the faintest smile. Her vision was blurring all too much now, but he was there.

“I’m glad… I got to see you again. ...I…”

The catalyst on Ludger’s spear shattered and broke, as did the world around them.

The prime shrine that took shape around them was quieter than usual -- silent, even.

Ludger placed a hand softly on Jude’s shoulder and glanced over at Elle. She was staring at her feet, eyes occasionally flickering up to them. The two of them then looked at Milla, who still stood in front with her back to them. Jude gave a nod to Ludger and Ludger in turn flashed him as reassuring a smile as he could manage, before jogging over to Elle and placing his hands on her shoulders. He mumbled something inaudible and Elle nodded, taking his hand before hurrying down the stairs with him.

“You should go too,” Milla said a moment later, when it was clear Jude was not leaving with them.

“Milla… Um…”

Jude’s voice trailed off. He reached a hand out before stopping himself. He stared at her, at her unmoving form. Even though only her back was visible, in his head he could see her eyes staring at the ground, unmoved from where her fractured self had been. He could see the tenseness of her muscles as the silence only grew longer.

Milla wanted to turn around and say something; she wanted to just flat out tell Jude to go, to leave, to let her be alone. Even if this precious time together was all they had, right now she was content to waste it, because the thought of Jude seeing her as she just was -- the back of her eyes stung, her knees were nearly shaking. She gripped her sword tighter. More than half of her had expected Jude to just leave her without saying anything.

But she didn’t say anything, because more than she wanted him to leave she wanted him to stay.

Her mind vividly reeled back the last few minutes, over and over again, and each time it was just another ton of salt on her wounds. Each time the sounds were only louder, the images more vibrant, and the fact that Jude had seen it all -- her desperation, her ugliness, her weakness, just her raw and not as he loved her -- screamed at her all the more. Yet that was not what was making her hands tremble, that was not what was making tears pool at her eyes, and the reason for these was the same as why she wanted him to stay.

It was so overwhelming that she didn’t hear Jude take a step forward, or pull away before he had wrapped his arms around her waist.

Her sword fell to the ground.

“I didn’t want you to see that,” Milla said before Jude had the chance to speak. She had no right to speak to him now, not after he saw that, but the thought of him saying anything to comfort her was even worse. “I’m -- sorry.” Her voice was thick and her eyes were hot, her vision was starting to blur into a mess. She wanted to pulled out of his embrace so he wouldn’t see her like this, either, and she wanted him to hold tighter.

“I know,” Jude said so quietly, barely audible. “Please… don’t apologize.” 

In the silence, their pounding hearts seemed louder than ever.

Milla’s body shook once as a sob caught inaudibly in her throat, and she was nearly certain that she could never look at Jude again. She had never cried in front of anyone before -- and honestly, it wasn’t something that would probably bother her if she had. But this was Jude; Jude who respected her so much, Jude who gave her _love,_ love that was so precious and so treasured that the thought of losing it because Jude saw her like this, and like she was in the fractured dimension --

She wanted to deny it, to say there must have been something else going on with that dimension, but that was pointless. The only thing as terrifying as losing Jude’s love would be losing Jude himself -- and losing both at once?

It was a hypothetical that made her feel the least Maxwell like she had ever felt, even when she had been told to her face that her whole life had been a lie.

Milla had thought before of losing that which was most precious to her, through failure or through other means -- her duty. Her mission. That which she held in importance above all else. Losing that was perhaps the only truly scary thing Milla could think of -- and her answer to this potential was just to resolve to not let it happen. Even when Maxwell himself had told her that it had all been a fake, a lie, she could -- with her comrades, and with Jude -- find a new sense of purpose.

However, the loss of Jude was something that never even crossed Milla’s mind, not to this day. Yes, there was always a risk in what they did, however it was something that had still never crossed her mind. Perhaps because if it did, she pushed it so far back she forgot about it, or perhaps because nothing could prepare her for the possibility.

“I’m sorry,” she managed, forcing her voice to come out even, clenching her fists to try and stop herself from her light shaking. Apologizing was the only thing she could do, and standing in the silence just felt like she was standing there with a gashing wound over her chest; even if no wound could hurt this much. “I’m not… who…”

She stopped as Jude gave her a light squeeze, pushing himself into her just a bit more, his head nearly in the crook of her neck. “Milla… it’s okay. When you were gone, I… I couldn’t even cry. I just… I completely shut down.” Jude’s voice was so quiet, as soft and fragile as the atmosphere around them. “I didn’t eat, or sleep, I felt… dead. I couldn’t do anything. I didn’t even want to. I just felt… numb, but in constant agony, too. I didn’t care about anything anymore. Losing you was… something I had never even considered. Even still, when I think about back then, and think about that possibility, I…” Jude shook his head once, his face pressed against Milla so that his next words were a bit muffled, as he held her tight in a way that could only be called protective. “I just can’t.”

Milla said nothing at first. The thought of Jude being the way he had just described broke her heart more than the thought of losing him, or his love.

“I’m sorry you went through that,” she said quietly. 

“Don’t be. I just... I love you, Milla. I love you now like I loved you then… unconditionally.” She could feel Jude taking deep, controlled breaths, she could feel his knees shaking just a bit. “That’s one of the reasons it hurts so much. And… that’s why it’s okay to cry, and to be scared and sad. Because I’ll always love you, no matter what.”

“I love you too, Jude,” Milla said, the words spilling out of her without thought or delay, like they had been trying to break free for years. “Unconditionally.” The last word came out on a choked back sob.

Her tears fell and landed on Jude’s forearms around her waist. She moved her hands up and held onto his, shuddering as another, quieter sob escaped her. It was as if everything was melting; her concerns, her doubts, her fears, and herself.

Minutes passed in relative quiet. Occasionally Jude would squeeze Milla and sometimes she would grip his hands tighter. 

Eventually, Milla said Jude’s name quietly. Jude shifted his head to denote she had his attention, and she tugged on his hands a bit, and he got the signal to let go. She then crouched and picked up her sword, before standing and finally turning to face Jude.

“I vow to protect you,” she said as she got down on one knee in front of him, turning her sword so that the handle faced him and the blade faced her chest. She looked him in the eye, blinking away the last tears from her eyes. “I swear by my sword, and by my name as Milla Maxwell.”

She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. She opened them again when she heard movement, only to find Jude also knelt in front of her, his head bowed deeply before he looked up at her.

“And I vow to protect you,” he said, a soft smiling forming on his face. “As someone who loves you… more than anything in the world.”

Before her tears could start again -- even if now, they were for a different reason -- Milla dropped her sword and gently took hold of Jude’s face, quickly leaning in to kiss him. He returned it fully, arms wrapping around her back. Their lips each tasted a bit salty from their tears, but neither of them cared. Kissing each other was something they loved unconditionally, too.

**Author's Note:**

> as i think the conversation started, i said to mikky “a fractured dimension where jude is the one who dies on the zenethra” and she said something like “milla trying to go to the spirit world to retrieve his soul, even if she knows deep down it won’t be the same.” i wanted there to be more of a buildup to the realization that jude is dead, wanted it to somehow be a surprise, but there was no real way to do that, i think, or not one that i thought of, anyway. actually it was originally going to be short, very short, just start of right with them finding out jude was dead and focus entirely on their feelings and their reactions to fractured milla, but then i ended up going with this instead
> 
> in the end this is absolute self-indulging ooc try-hard angst garbage and i’m sorry. please forgive me milla
> 
> yes… there are a lot of issues re: the actual physical combat of the encounter… but i don’t care much bc of the above reason
> 
> on a last note i’ve just always wanted to write smth about milla’s idea of romantic love and how she so clearly views it as a conditional thing in x1 and while i think she realizes by x2 that’s not how it works i’m sure she still doubts sometimes maybe… that kind of made me lose focus in the end but ah.. orz there was also going to be a line about jude commented on the contrast between his inaction when milla died vs. milla trying to get the spirit realm just to save jude soul but again.. derailing _(:3 」∠)_ sorry for the length of my note and thank u so much for reading this!


End file.
